Princess Shaves Herself Bald, Gets Tattoo

ALDERAAN – Princess Leia Organa appeared in a tattoo parlor in the Pal-Adleraan Valley with her head shaved completely bald.
  The princess apparently came to the parlor for a tattoo, but ended up giving herself the new hairdoo without any warning.
   "She just wanted something real small on her wrist, something dainty," Maxx Ttog, the tattoo artist at The Inky Tentacle said. "She got some cute little stars on her wrist."
  Tattoo parlor worker Snellido Snell said Organa showed up without notice and stayed for about 90 minutes as about 60 fans, photographers and gawkers gathered outside.
   Upon arriving at tattoo parlor, Organa grabbed an electric clipper and shaved her own head.
   "I tried to talk her out of it. I said, 'Are you sure you're not having a bad day and tomorrow you'll feel differently about it? Why don't we wait a little bit?'" parlor owner Mii Gnozor said.
   "She said 'No, I absolutely want it shaved off now.' Next thing I know, she grabbed the buzzer and she went to the back of my salon and she was shaving off her own hair," Gnozor said.
   The appearance came the same day as reports that Organa, who has drawn criticism for her recent partying and sloppy behavior, had briefly checked into rehab.
   Larry Johnson, Organa's publicity manager, couldn't be reached for comment.

Shockball Player Arrested For OWS

  MELINZ - With less than a month to go before opening day, the Shad Furies will have to play without one of their best.
  Shad authorities arrested Ytavarg Aleema yesterday for operating while spiced.   According to witnesses, Aleema was found sleeping behind the wheel of his landspeeder on the outskirts of the city. An empty bottle of giggledust was found in the back seat.
  "We should have seen this coming," said Shad Furies manager Jerry Carrkenz. "Ytavarg had his speeder bike repossessed, his wife moved out, and he's past his prime in shockball. Things aren't lookin good for the poor guy."
  "Oh, and his Ewok died", continued Carrkenz.
  Aleema is charged with operating while spiced and possession of giggledust and carsunum. The Shad Furies have placed him on unpaid leave.

Hand Found In Duct

BESPIN – An air conditioner service repairman made a gruesome discovery while doing heavy maintenance on this cloud city’s massive office cooling system.
   Lid Lid Gop was clearing debris from a duct when a severed human hand fell out.
   “The hand looked very fresh, probably because it’s so cold in them ducts,” he said. “If I had to guess, I’d say you could still eat it.”
  This is the first body part that Gop has found in the ducts.
  "Some droid parts, yeah, I seen them in there before, but never no hand," he said. "No too surprised, though," he added.
   The hand, which appears to be that of a male in his early 20's, was confiscated by Imperial authorities. At press time, no one had come forward to claim it.
  

FOKS News to Make Debut

CORUSCANT– FOKS News announced today its intent to start a new “Empire-friendly” news service.
   “The Empire gets a bad rap from the Rebel-leaning press,” said Uprot Urmdocho, founder and owner of Foks News and its parent company, NewsCore.
   “We’re going to cover all the good things that have been happening in the Empire, not just showing pictures of every Star Destroyer or AT-AT that explodes.”
   With that in mind, FOKS News has begun hiring a unique set of reporters to cover the galactic news cycle: retired clone troopers.
   “The clones are as objective as anyone,” said Fil Nosicre, FOKS News managing editor. “Clones won’t spin a story to fit their own set of beliefs. We’ll be able to tell them exactly how to report a story and they’ll do what we say, with no questions asked.”
  FOKS News also unveiled its new slogan: "Objective and Unbiased."
  "I know it's a little clunky," said Urmdocho. "It's not set in stone."
   Critics of FOKS say they are anything but objective.
  "Calling the Death Star's destruction of a planet 'a controlled planetary burst' is just a joke," said Rebel commentator La Kranenf.