Galactic Times

VOLUME 1, ISSUE 8
Front Page

Emperor Calls for Stormtrooper Surge

DEATH STAR - Emperor Palpatine yesterday began promoting his plan to send more troops to Hoth, bringing more than 30 Republic senators to the Emperor's Chambers as part of a major campaign to rally the Galactic people behind another effort to stabilize the system.
  The battle on Hoth, which is in it's second day, looks like a sure win for the Empire, which is why some critics question the move.
  "We came in, we destroyed their ion canons, they took down a couple AT-AT walkers, and that was pretty much the end of it. Why more troops now?" asked former Chancellor Valorum.
  "I just like to be on the safe side," said Palpatine. "Not all my commanders are the sharpest gaffe sticks in the shed, so I figure two heads are better than one, and 200,000 stormtroopers are better than 10,000."
  Senators who met with Palpatine said the Emperor made it clear that he is willing to add even as many 300,000 stormtroopers to help quell violence on Hoth. They also said the Emperor is arguing that his new plan has a better chance for success than past plans because of a greater willingness of "certain someones" to join the Dark Side.
  "It was clear to me that Hoth is a no-brainer," said Sen. Gorgon Smoothway (R-Yavin.) said. Smoothway said Palpatine believes "that the political processes have been overtaken by rebel violence and that rebel violence must be quelled so political processes can be restored. Remember Alderaan? I thought so. "
  Aides said Palpatine will formally unveil his new plans for Hoth in a Galactically transmitted address from the Galactic Senate tomorrow night; the speech looms as one of the most significant of his time as Emperor. Even administration officials said the bar is much higher for Palpatine than with past speeches on Hoth, given the widespread disenchantment over the war and the deep skepticism, shared even by some Sith Lords, that more troops are part of the answer.
  "More troops has always worked in the past. Why change things now?" said Palpatine. "I suppose it would be cold-hearted to call stormtroopers expendable, but hey, I'm the Emperor. I'm not too worried."

Royal Shockball Signs Rookie Wookiee

KASHYYYK - For the first time in recorded galactic history, a Wookiee will take the shockball field.
Tvkoyka, son of famed Jedi Master Tyvokka, signed a 3-year, $4 million dollar deal with Royal Shockball this week. Aside from being the first Wookiee in shockball, "Tvy" will be the first non-human to play the sport professionally.

  "His talent speaks for itself", said Royal Shockball coach Flerd Clyyd. "But if his talent sounds like he does, you'll probably need a translator ... I'm just glad the league is finally allowing us to recruit from other systems."
  "It's a dream come true", growled Tvkoyka. "I've grown up watching this sport, and always thought I had what it takes to play. It feels good to know I was right.
  "Will the hair be a disadvantage? I don't think so. If anything it will hid my pitches a little better, I think."
  Some say the Wookiee's long mane gives him an unfair advantage.
  "Who knows what he can hide in there," said ball horder and designated wincer Flint McGlock. "All he has to do is not shower for a couple days and boom, instance oil ball. As long as the officials keep a close eye on him, I'll be fine with him."
  Tvkoyka will start third in the pitching rotation, behind golden shockglove Chuck Glaargen and Corellian Allstar Hank Fastarm.   According to his teammates, Tvy is a welcome addition.
  "His fastball could kill someone!", exclaimed veteran shockstop Son Ugloo. "Speaking of, we'd like to extend our condolences to the family of former catcher Glorg Blaaven. Tvy doesn't know his own strength."

STARDATE 109.177.09

Curoscant to Ban Death Sticks in Restaurants

CUROSCANT - On the heels of research warning of its dangerous health implications, death sticks have been banned from Curoscant restaurants.
  City officials passed the ordinance with a vote of 27-20.
  "This is just the government playing 'nanny' in one more area of our lives," said Coruscant resident Hoog Florid. "More government is always bad government."
  Others welcome the new ordinance.
  "I really like the idea of being able to go out to eat and not worry about death sticks ruining our meal. Smelling like a death stick tray in the speeder ride home is the worst," said Hoppy Kllynsch, mother of three.
  Employees of area restaurants seem to support the ordinance, but owners are worried how it will affect business.
  Dexter Jettseter, owner of Dex's Diner, said "You have to ask the question if people are just going to pass this system over entirely now if they want something to eat and a place to have a death stick. I can see us losing a lot of customers over this. Quicker than them just dying from the sticks."

Letter To The Editor
TIMES NOT FAIR TO MCCOOL

  I have read alot of bad stories from many bad galactic papers, but your article on Droopy McCool was the worst. How you could slander such a droopy being and outstanding horn player?
   The autopsy could not find conclusive evidence of spice in his system. I mean, sure he had some fun, but who doesn't?   And I can say that I never witnessed him using glitterstim or sweetblossom at any of the gigs where I danced and sang (backup), even when we played at Jabba's Palace!
   As for joydust... I mean, who doesn't use joydust? And the fact that Rebo is so quick to replace him shows you who you should really be blaming. I think your article on McCool's death is based on sensatio-nalism and you owe his family an apology.
  Sincerely,
  Lyn Me - professional/available dancer and backup singer

Grand Admiral Thrawn Admits 'Mistakes Were Made'

CUROSCANT - Grand Admiral Thrawn, addressing the growing furor over the Galactic Empire's dismissal of eight hundred Imperial prosecutors, acknowledged Tuesday that "mistakes were made" in the way his agency handled and disclosed the dismissals.
  "I accept that responsibility," Thrawn said during a press conference.
   "And my pledge to the Galactic people is to find out what went wrong here, to assess accountability, and to make improvements so the mistakes that occurred in this instance do not occur in the future.
  "Just kidding. I don't really care. We're the Empire. Deal with it," he added.
  Thrawn also confirmed that Mitth'raw'nuruodo, one of his top aides at the Imperial Justice Department, had resigned Monday. Mitth'raw'nuruodo's departure comes amid charges that he failed to fully brief other department officials on the history of the firings before they testified on the matter before the Galactic Senate and for allowing Darth Vader to choke those officials with the force.

March Madness Begins for NCAA Banthaball

IS YOUR BRACKET OF 1,536 READY?

TATOOINE - Sports fans around the Galaxy are gearing up their office pools for what has become something of a springtime ritual.
   "I love college banthaball," said Hrk Wooplo of Mos Eisley. "The compeition is so much better. The defense, too. I can't stand the show-boating in professional banthaball."
  College banthaball players will soon start to converge on Mos Espa, the sight of this year's championship tournament, as the number of teams in the tournament drops from the starting 1,536 to the Final 400.
  "The excitement is just too much," said Carkoon State student Vooneer Boompa. "I know we're going to go far this year. The 'sweet 1200' for sure."
  Observers also like to point out the drop in work productivity as the bracket battle heats up. An estimated 42 million credits are bet every season, and to those who pick the most wins, the earnings can be significant.
  "Last year I did pretty well, I picked about 800 wins," said Wooplo.
  Empire officials want to remind citizens that gambling on college games is illegal most places, but that doesn't stop people like Wooplo.
  "I can't wait till December and there are only 100 teams left. I bet I'll do better than last year. I could buy that new landspeeder I've been eyeing!"