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VOLUME 1, ISSUE 7
Front Page
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X-Wing Black Box Found On Yavin
YAVIN - In a response to public outcry, transcripts from the recordings of X-Wing pilot Biggs Darklighter have finally been released.
The transcripts shed light upon the last few moments of Darklighter’s life. An excerpt:
BIGGS: Red Three, standing by.
BASE ONE: Red Leader, this is Base One. Keep half your group out of range for the next run.
SKYWALKER: Biggs, Wedge, let's close it up. We're going in. We're going in full throttle.
BIGGS: (unintelligible) Luke, at that speed will you be able to pull up in time?
SKYWALKER: It'll be just like Beggar's Canyon back home.
BIGGS: (unintelligible) Hurry up, Luke! (unintelligible) Wait!
“He died covering me,” said Luke Skywalker.
Skywalker was in battle with Darklighter, fighting to destroy the Death Star over the fourth moon of Yavin.
“He was a real hero, and we’ll all miss him,” added Skywalker, before hovering momentarily and then warming up his cup of coffee with the Force.
The Black Box was found amongst debris on the surface of the planet. Much of the Death Star’s remains have been converted into scrap metal, and it was in this capacity that the Black Box was found.
“Shoot, I just figured it was some sort of death ray, or some such thing, so I didn’t touch it. When they’d told me what it was, I was madder than a Wookie in a Bacta Tank,” said site crewman Tiff Jovel, the worker who found the box.
The transcripts are available to the public and contain insight into the person Biggs Darklighter really was.
His last words: “Man, I’m bantha fodder.”
The Empire was unavailable for comment.
A memorial service will be held in honor of Biggs Darklighter’s on his home planet of Tatooine, at his family’s moisture farm. In lieu of flowers, the family asks that donations be made to the Save the Tashi Station Fund.
"Ewoks in the Mist" Sweeps Galacty's
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CORUSCANT - "Ewoks in the Mist," the film heavily favored to win this year's Galactic Film of the Year Award, did just that -- and some.
"Ewoks" beat out "Dances with Tauntauns," "Silence of the Jawas," and "My Dinner with Jabba" for best film.
It also won over tough competition like "Some Like it Hoth" and "Wookie of the Year " for best screenplay.
Industry insiders were impressed that it even beat "The Sith Sense" and "Bridges of Mon Calamari" for set design.
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"Ewoks" director Leektar gave a humble speech thanking his cast, crew and family, but wasn't afraid to go political.
"Now let me just leave you on one thought," Leektar said in his speech. "We like nonfiction, but we live in fictitious times. We live in a time where we have fictitious election results that elect a fictitious Emperor," Leektar said referring to Palpatine.
"We live in a time where we have a man sending us to war for fictitious reasons. Shame on you, Mr. Palpatine, shame on you."
Leektar's speech was met with mixed results from the crowd.
Reesu Wayborn was another big winner of the night, winning best actress for "Driving Miss Dassyne." She dedicated her award to her three parents.
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STARDATE 109.176.08 |
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Thermal Detonators Banned as Negotiaion Tool
CUROSCANT - Starting Tuesday, thermal detonators will no longer be a legal means of business negotiation.
The handheld devices capable of creating a powerful, localized explosion, has long been a tool of last resort for bounty hunters, gangsters, and stock traders.
Simply the threat of holding a thermal detonator can usually sway the negotiation dramatically in favor of he (or she) who holds it.
"I was once in a meeting with this guy who wanted to buy some Mos Eisley real estate," said Jur Klouw of Tatooine. "Things weren't going too well. His bids were way too low for what the property was worth.
"Then
on his last offer he says, 'I'll give you 15,000 credits. Oh, and I'm holding a thermal detonator. That pretty much sealed the deal."
Effective as they may be, lawmakers say the detonators as a bargaining chip is just plain unfair.
"Meesa thinks it'sa just platootie!" said Naboo Senator Jar Jar Binks. "A-holdin and a splodin' must be illegalled!"
"Rancor Whisperer" Sees Ratings Success
TATOOINE - "Exercise, discipline, and the the regular opportunity to kill prisoners as entertainment in a cavernous pit. These are the secrets to a balanced Rancor."
This is the advice of "The Rancor Whisperer," also known as Malakill, who stars in his own show on the Galactic Broadcast Network.
Each episode consists of Malakill visiting the homes of Rancor owners and helping the Rancors -- usually by helping the owners become the "dominant" one of the house.
"You have to show them who's boss," said Malakill. "If they know you're pack leader, they will follow."
The show has become an underground hit -- and not just among Rancor owners.
"Malakill loves Rancors so much. You can tell he loves his job," said "Whisperer" fan Fleece Nupsi, 23, of Cloud City. "I don't own a Rancor but if I ever do I know what to do thanks to his show."
Despite the show's success, it has also faced some controversy. Four people who Malakill has helped have later been mauled by their own Rancor.
Malakill thinks it's just a coincidence.
"The mortality rate of owning a Rancor is 1/10. If anything, we're saving lives. They're not nerfs we're talking about here." |
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Probe Droid Recalled, Self-Destruct to be Reevaluated
CUROSCANT - Arakyd Industries, manufacturer of the probe droid, is voluntarily recalling 12,000 units after complaints of a malfunctioning self-destruct mechanism.
"Normally, they're supposed to self-destruct in some situations," said Ran Arakyd, president of the company.
"For example, the droid is surrounded and has no other options. What I'm hearing from customers is that these things are self-destructing after one or two weak blaster shots to the armor. That's just not right."
Arakyd said the self-destruct is just a precaution to keep the droid and the information it has gathered from being captured.
Admiral Piett, Imperial officer aboard Super Star Destroyer Executor, said the droids were near worthless.
"They have two turbolasers, four laser cannons and deflector shields and you're going to tell me they self-destruct after one or two measley blaster shots from some random human and a Wookie? If anything the droid should be able to take out three times that many, plus an ion cannon or two."
Sarlacc Sneezes, Causes Massive Dust Storm
DUNE SEA - In the midst of paralyzing blackouts, dust storms now rage across the planet of Tatooine, which meteorologists credit to a congested Sarlacc in the Great Pit of Carkoon.
After a mild dry season consisting of no precipitation, strong winds have whipped up brown-out conditions from the Dune Sea to the Great Mesa Plateau.
"Power demands are causing blackouts, now dust storms are causing brown-out conditions?" said moisture farmer Owen Lars. "What next? A freak snow storm to cause a white-out? A plague of Geonosians making green-out conditions? It can't get any worse!"
"If you sucked in sand everyday, I wouldn't blame you for the occassional snort," said biologist and Sarlacc specialist Gane Joodfall, who has lived among the Sarlacc for years as part of her study.
"You can expect these storms during the dry season, but this time of year, it's uncommon", says weatherman Blert Glorfff. "Something must have clogged up this Sarlacc's pit."
"At least it's congestion and not indigestions -- you don't even want to be around for that one."
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