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VOLUME 1, ISSUE 6
Front Page
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Blackouts Paralyze Tatooine
TATOOINE - Damaged cables and high power demands are causing rolling blackouts across Tatooine this week.
With power usage at an all-time high, the Tosche power station is unable to keep up with the demands. Making matters worse, several underground power lines were severed by wild animals outside the town of Anchorhead.
"It's bad now, and they say it'll get worse," said moisture farmer Owen Lars. "As of this week, we're at 30% production. We can only run the water vaporators for a couple hours before the power cuts out. That barely yields a days-worth for us, let alone our purchasers."
"We wouldn't have this problem if it weren't for those darn kids," said station manager Laze "Fixer" Loneozner. "They've got all these high-tech game things that really zap power. There are the remote droids, the holofight simulators, and don't get me started on those land speeders."
"Ya' know how much electricity those new games use?" Loneozner continued. "Enough to power a whole moisture farm!"
Lars has a different opinion. "Maybe Laze should do his job instead of blaming it on children. If he maintained the station and fixed the lines, we wouldn't have this problem in the first place."
"'Fixer' has really let this place go", says local youth Luke Skywalker. "Chores have gotten in the way of me coming to the station for months, and when I finally get here, they're out of power converters! How can you be out of power converters! I wish [Tosche station owner] Merl would do something about it."
Merl Tosche says the blackouts should stop within the next few weeks. "We're working hard to fix this problem, including some restructuring of management. Don't tell Laze, though. He's got quite the temper."
Hnkrjjjk Wins Bantha 'Best in Show'
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BESTINE - In what bantha enthusiasts are calling a major upset, Hnrkjjjk won 'Best in Show' in this year's Bestine Bantha Show.
Hnrkjjjk's owner and groomer, Flor Plaato, said the massive beast's unorthodox fur stylings put him over the top for the win.
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But some in the industry say the creature's large golden perm
is not considered fair play.
"It's an abomination to the bantha showcase," said one anonymous contestant, who plans to compete next year and doesn't want his name printed.
"Brushing, washing, maybe some fur highlights, but that's it. No perm." (Emphasis added)
Some say the world of Bantha showing left the traditional path long ago.
"Ever since they started to allow artificial horns, I knew my days in the competition were numbered," said four-time winning groomer, Po Huurr.
"You've worked hard all year to keep your bantha's horns nicely maintained -- no chips, nice grain -- and now you've got some pudu for brains off the street with these carbon-fiber horns they bought in a store across the street. Give me a break."
Nevertheless, winning owner Plaato still has faith in the competition.
"A win for Hnrkjjjk is a win for a change for the better in bantha showing. This is nothing but great news for us.
"Lead, follow, or get out of the way. And that's one big bantha, so I suggest getting out of the way. Seriously, here she comes. Please step aside unless you want to get squashed."
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STARDATE 109.176.07 |
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Wookie Wins 34th Straight Dejarik Tourney 
GHHHK - Dejarik, the holographic game played on a checkerboard with small, realistic creatures as pieces, has been dominated solely by Wookies for the 34th year in a row.
This year's winner, Lumpawaroo, of Kashyyyk, said he plans to spend his winnings on a new bowcaster and shampoo.
Lumpawaroo attributes his success to much practice, strategy, and "a menacing howl."
"I don't think it's cheating. When the other player gets close to winning I just let out a nice roar. They seem to make more mistakes after that," said Lumpawaroo.
Event judges say intimidation is frowned upon in the game, but with Wookies it's generally a "gray area."
"Shyriiwook is a tricky language. Sometimes you're not sure if they're trying to threaten you or just asking for a glass of water. We can't penalize them for that," said dejarik judge Frownlo Low.
"There is an unwritten rule though. Let the wookie win."
Droopy McCool Found Dead, Overdose Likely
 MOS EISLEY - Droopy McCool, chidnkalu horn player for the Max Rebo band, was found dead in his hotel room. He was 137 years old.
An autopsy is scheduled, but authorities said all signs point to an overdose.
McCool battled a longtime addiction to glitterstim and in his later years allegedly became hooked on sweetblossom and joydust.
Sympathy from all parts of the music industry is already flowing in, showing how well loved the musician was.
"Shucks, man, he was such a groovy guy," said Rebo. "He got such a bad rap because he wasn't that out-going, but once you got to know him, he was a lifelong friend. I miss him already."
"Yeah, he had is problems. But what Kitonak do you know that doesn't? It's not easy going through life sober looking like that," said Sy Snootles, vocalist for the band.
Rebo said McCool's death won't slow down the band's current tour.
"We had a feeling Droopy was fading fast, so we've got someone lined up. He's a Rodian and a bit of a chidnkalu prodigy. I know Droopy's seat is still warm, but we've got to fulfill the rest of the tour. It's the professional thing to do."
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Mouse Droids
Plague Death Star
DEATH STAR - After 25 years of delivery and maintenance service, MSE-6 "mouse" droid populations are soaring on the Death Star.
Mouse droids, previously known for their boxy shell and noisy skittering, are quickly gaining a reputation for clogging hallways and droid ducts. Officials said their population has tripled unexpectedly.
"We think the droids know about the new MSE-7 model coming out", a spokesperson for the manufacturer said. "They've always had a strong preservation instinct. Now that the MSE-6 is basically obsolete, they know it, and they're scared."
"Something has to be done", says Commander Praji, Imperial officer on the Death Star. "There are times when the mouse droids are so thick on the floor, you can't even walk."
"I'm not even sure how they do it", Praji continued, referring to the population explosion. "I mean, they're droids. It's not like they have reproductive organs. Or do they? Nasty little buggers."
Rebaxan Columni, manufacturer of the MSE-6, says it's working on a solution. "We've got a blueprint for a cat droid. We'll see if that works."
Skiff Guards Fired, Eaten
DUNE SEA - After allowing three captured rebel fighters to escape certain death, three skiff guards were fired moments before they were tossed into a Sarlacc pit and eaten.
"Worst. Guards. Ever." Jabba the Hutt was quoted as saying shorly before he was strangled to death by one of his dancers.
In addition to letting the insurgents escape, guards Klaatu, Barada and Nikto also allowed a fourth member of the rebellion, Lando Calrissian, to infiltrate the guard ranks and aid in the escape.
"We blew it big time! AHHHHH!" said Nikto as he fell into the Great Pit of Carkoon, residence of the Sarlacc.
Their digestion is expected to take 1,000 years.
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