Galactic Times

VOLUME 1, ISSUE 5
Front Page

Trade Federation Demands Droid Refund

NABOO - The Trade Federation, whose failed invasion of Naboo has angered some Galactic politicians, is demanding a refund for 525,000 battle droids.
  Baktoid Combat Automata, who manufactures the droids, insists the robot warriors weren't defective.
  "Yes, they can be taken down with one blaster shot. Yes you can cut through them with lightsabers. Yes they vocalize all their commands unnecessarily. But the Trade Federation knew all these things when they ordered them," said Baktoid spokesperson Rav Ratoock.
  But the Trade Federation said it expected a higher quality product.
  "You see the name 'battle droid' and that's what you expect to get. Have you seen the security footage of them trying to fight Jedis? It's like they're not even trying to fight back," said Trade Fedaration representative Nute Gunray. "What a joke," he added.
  But Baktoid Combat Automata is persistent that battle droids weren't meant to be the cream of the crop.
  "When you look at our catalogue, it's right there in front of you. Battle droids and super battle droids. They could have gone with the super, and their penny pinching cost them," said Ratoock.
   "We just want our credits back and the can have what's left of their droids back," said Gunray. "We're going to go with someone else next time. Something in the trooper variety, probably."

Columbia Sportswear Introduces Tauntaun Fleece

HOTH - Outdoor enthusiasts –- like those that frequent extreme hiking and skiing climates like those on planet Hoth – can now withstand the cold for up to four extra hours, thanks to the new Columbia brand Tauntaun Fleece Jacket.

The revolutionary technology used in producing the coat – made from a hybrid fiber consisting mostly of tauntaun snow lizard innards – actually ‘repels’ the cold “like Rain-X2 repels mynok saliva,” said 9Tech scientist Ribtoo Syrrosa.
   “I wouldn’t use it as an excuse to get stupid, but it could probably keep you outside for a few extra hours on a cold Hoth night,” he added.
  Though a Columbia spokesdroid indicated that a single tauntaun can produce enough insulation material for 341 jackets, some experts fear that increased popularity of the tauntaun coat could deplete an already endangered species.
  Hoth "visitors" think it's worth it. “We can actually work well into the night building temporary satellite posts. The coats may smell bad, but they keep us warm until we get the shelters built,” said Bren Derlin, a "tourist" on Hoth.
  Other researchers have deemed the jackets a potential danger, saying their pungent odor can attract wandering wampa creatures, whose primary hunting hours are in the early evening.
   Derlin and his crew don't seem concerned.
   "We've got ways of combating anything out here 'probing' around. And wampas seem to be attracted more to sounds than smells. Unless they hear the whirr of an astromech or the sound of a wounded tauntaun, they don't usually come near the Ion Cann--er, shelter. At least, they don't seem to show up on our life-form sensors."

STARDATE 109.176.06

Nerfs Added to Endangered Species List

ALDERAAN - Nerfs, the sometimes moody, antlered herbivores raised for their succulent meat, have seen their numbers dwindle in the past years -- enough so that they have been placed on the endangered species list.
Herders of the animal said they aren't surprised, as they have noticed the demand for the mammal skyrocket.
"Nerfburgers, nerfloaf, nerf sausage, smoked nerf... you see it everywhere now. It used to be you go to a place like Mos Eisley and you'd never see nerf on the menu. Now you can't go anywhere without them servering nerf," said herder Thrak Bomrow.
In addition to the nerf being a popular menu item across the galaxy, nerf pelts are also now used in the production of plush children's toys.
"It turns out nerf skin is perfect for making Banthaballs for children. Who would have guessed?"

Jawa Sandcrawler Fails New Emission Standards

TATTOINE - The pint-sized droid-selling inhabitants of Tattoine might have more problems on their hands than just sand in their gears.
  Last Wednesday, new emission standards went into effect across Tattoine, and Jawas are already worried about their ability to keep a living if their sandcrawler vehicles fail the test.
  The giant 36.8 meter-long vehicle made by Corellia Mining serves not only as transportation, but also for shelter in Tattoine's harsh desert.
  Getting only .13 kilometers to the liter, the vehicle falls well below the 20 kilometer-per-liter standard now in place on the planet.
  "I'm not sure what we will do," said Joorghhh, a Jawa droid scavenger, through an interpreter. "We live in these things. We make our living with these things. We don't have the funds to upgrade to some ion-thruster latest and greatest ship."
  Jabba the Hutt, a local legitimate businessman, agrees the emission standards are too strict.
  Also speaking through an interpreter, Hutt said, "I've got a couple pleasure barges I haven't been able to use because of their poor mileage. The sarlacc pit is just sitting there and we're sitting here."

Death Star Construction Hits Budgets Woes

SPACE- The Death Star -- which is already 25 years and 98.4 billion credits over budget -- might have more cutbacks to reach completion.
  Contractors on the job are considering eliminating a close-fighter defense to save some money.
  "I mean, who needs it? This thing can blow up a planet. You'd have to be stupid to go at it head on. That's what the deflector field is for," said Grand Moff Tarkin.
  "Is the superlaser operational? I'll invite you to find out," he added.

Droid Indicted on Conspiracy Charges

TATOOINE - Following a three-year investigation, protocol droid C-3PO was indicted on conspiracy charges Monday.
   Investigators with the Rebel Alliance revealed that "Threepio" has been actively recruiting members for an unlicensed military group.
  The militia group has allegedly been enlisting worry-prone droids and unincorporated drones. Investigators say the group has been growing since the end of the Galactic Civil War, but it's intent has just recently come to light.
  "We have uncovered that the group's intentions were to basically enslave everyone and everything in the galaxy," said Ploon Corsh.
  "If this group had been left alone, unchecked, then yes, they could be dangerous. But it's basically just a group of unwanted droids who are angry at the Alliance. A little reprogramming, and this threat disappears."
  "I think it would make a great miniseries," he added.
  Corsh said it is unlikely more of the creatures exist.
  "I mean, we can't rule anything out. But the possibility that these mindless droids could take over by way of a network of advanced subspace communications channels that absorb the individuals into a hive mind, or singular consciousness which incorporates all drones everywhere with a control mechanism that drives the entire collective unit with devastating efficiency... well, let's just hope for the best."