Galactic Times

VOLUME 1, ISSUE 4
Front Page

TIE Fighter Pilots Demand Hazard Pay

DEATH STAR - "We're not expendable."
  Those are the words of a TIE Fighter pilot stationed on the Death Star, afraid to have his name published for fear of repercussion.
  "In their [the Imperial Navy's] view, the more TIE Fighters thrown at the enemy, the better chance we have at victory. I have an idea. Let's put some decent steering control on these things first. Or even proximity indicator when we're on the same flight path. I can't tell you how many friends I've lost that have simply crashed into each other."
  But the Imperial Navy doesn't have any plans to modify the TIE Fighter or to give TIE Fighter pilots more money.
  "Hazard pay? Don't make me laugh. They knew what they were getting into when they signed up to be fighter pilots," said the Imperial Navy's Admiral Motti.
   "They should just be thankful they're not Stormtroopers. Those guys can't even sit down properly," he added.
  TIE Fighter pilots don't appear to be backing down from this fight.
  "I'd like to see them try to fight a battle without us," said the anonymous pilot.
  "A TIE Fighter pilot strike? Ah, sure. We don't mind. Maybe we'd actually have one day without them crashing into the Death Star, then," said Motti.

YOUR RIGHTS: Forced Implants Ethical?

BESPIN - How much is too much when it comes to cyborg augmentation?
A Cloud City man is suing to have his child receive the same cyborg augmentation he has -- in utero.
Lobot, a computer liaison officer in the scenic working city, was given cyborg "enhancements" in his youth, and he wants his son to be given the same.

  "Having this thing on my head is not a handicap," he said, speaking through a companion voicebox droid. "Just because you don't have one of these things on your head doesn't make you normal."
  Lobot's implant allows him to seemlessly communicate with the city's integrated computer network and security officers. Critics say they fail to see how an infant would need this.
  "We're talking about a fetus here. Why does a fetus need that kind of implant? This is highly unethical and it gives cyborg implants a bad name all around," said 48 BYL, spokesperson for the Cyborgs for the Ethical Treatment of Cyborgs.
  But Lobot defends his stance.
  "We're not talking about a Darth Vader-esque enhancement here. It's just some simple communication technology. Ok. I just want to have someone to talk to. I'm lonely. Very, very lonely."

STARDATE 109.176.06

Naval Garbage Dumping Faces GEPA Scrutiny

CORUSCANT - The Galactic Environmental Protection Agency slapped The Imperial Navy with a record fine on Thursday for violating Clean Space Standards.
The GEPA document accused the Navy of routinely dumping garbage before jumping into hyperspace.
"Even though we are now an empire and not a republic, the armed forces are not above the law," said GEPA Director Zaph Cunningham.
The Empire didn't seem to back down to GEPA's 4.7 million credit fine.
"Star Destroyers produce a lot of garbage. If you can think of a better way to get rid of it, I'd love to hear it," said Imperial Navy Admiral Piet. "We tried a dianoga [garbage eating creature] like they have on the Death Star, but we just lost too many crew. That little eyeball doesn't miss anything down there when someone falls in.
"Those GEPA guys will get theirs," the admiral added.

GEPA HQ Destroyed in Freak Accident

CORUSCANT - An errant Star Destroyer blast destroyed the Galactic Environmental Protection Agency's headquarters on Thursday.
The accident happened only hours after GEPA announced a harsh fine for illegal garbage dumping by the Imperial fleet.
"The freak accident's timing is unfortunate," said Imperial Navy officer, Captain Needa.
Coruscant authorities say it's a miracle no one was killed, as all GEPA officials were on their way back to the headquarters after the announcement.

Incom Corporation Lands 2.8B Credit Contract

FRESIA - Incom Corporation announced it has been contracted by newly-formed Belre Lliancea Freight to retrofit 50 Incom Airspeeders with heaters and harpoon launchers. The contract is worth an estimated 2.8 billion Imperial Credits.
  According to the press release, Belre Lliancea Freight, a relatively unknown upstart company, plans to use the modified airspeeders for whale hunting in the south seas of Naboo. "Yeah, that's the ticket," said Wedge Antilles, a Belre Lliancea representative.
  Incom representatives are excited about their new partnership.
  "The speeders are almost ready to go. They just requested some minor modifications. The south seas of Naboo are quite temperate, so the need for heaters is a little odd, but we can do it. It'll just take an extra week or so."

Shampoo Sales Continue To Soar On Kashyyyk

KASHYYYK - Torgo and Torgo, makers of Head and Shoulders and Torso and Arms and Legs report record profits for the third quarter in a row.
The shampoo producer attributes their success to a successful ad campaign, a healthy economy, and the fact that Wookiees are covered in hair.